As I watched you place your hand on her back, it didn't mean anything to you but it meant a hundred things to me.

Why it's hard

It's hard to date a musician. Especially one that I find incredibly attractive. And the first time I ever laid eyes on him he was on stage: with his ex.

Let's FFWD 2 years later. We've been dating for 6 months. They broke up nearly a year ago. She is still. in. the. band.

Now, it's always hard dating a songwriter. You hear beautiful, lovely, tender songs and can't help but wonder who they were written for or inspired by. You feel an ache where your own song should be, but there isn't one. You get a little jealous, think, "can I be a muse?" And then you just kind of deal with it with all of this in the back of your mind.

But let's consider that this girl has a face. That you see about once a week. You know everything she's done to hurt the one you love. You know that the love songs still exist, though. You hear the love songs that still exist. You watch them sung in a duet. The same duets you would hear way back when they would make those eyes at each other. When they were in love with each other.

It's like peering in on an intimate moment that you shouldn't see. Finding a photograph your eyes were never meant to be laid upon. You know he loves you, that he'd never consider her romantically (really?) ever again, but all of the songs that you love and sing throughout your day are tainted by history and fact.

FACT: this song was written for her.

FACT: THIS song was written WITH her.

FACT: this one was written for another her, but it doesn't matter because that her doesn't exist in your life.

FACT: all of these songs are amazing and you can't wish them away.

FACT: I want one.

I'm sure it's different dating a "big timer" who tours and then you have to deal with girls throwing themselves on your man, but truth is, I don't really care when girls who have no intimate history whatsoever find my Handsome attractive or talented. I'm flattered. I think to myself, "Oh, I know."

But I don't like the constant reminders and the kind of chemistry that happens on stage that I will never experience. I'll never know what it's like to gaze into his eyes as we sing a song that means the world to us. I'll never be known as, "M & L", two names that are often said together. He is M. I am L. In the musical world, L is M's girlfriend. In the musical world, I can guarantee people wish that they were still together.

To some people who don't know any better, they are.